George Johnson's Guide to Millenary Celebrations

      I love my dad to death, something I need to be careful about because he turns 93 today.  I don't tell him that I love him often enough.  He's getting a kick out of this blog, and I'm getting a kick out of him getting a kick out of this blog.

      Dad really loved his wife Marilyn.  They had one of those storybook romances that seem to have been more common among our Greatest Generation than the ones that followed.  WWII interrupted Dad's college years, he served in the Navy, and when he returned there was Marilyn in chemistry class almost like she was waiting for him.   They married, started a family, he built a career in agricultural journalism and advertising, she made a home, they raised their kids together, and they loved each other completely every day until Mom died about two years ago.

      Dad loved Mom so much that birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays weren't enough.  When she was just over 83 years old he decided we were all going to celebrate her 1000th month.  This was to coincide with a visit from my sister and some other dear friends and family.   He enlisted the help of Janis and myself with food and planning, which we did out of both duty and familiarity - this was a classic Dad move.   I can't speak for Janis, but I confess that I helped with something less than full buy-in; who does this?  And the more I pondered that question the closer I came to writing a toast for the occasion.  It ended up being more of a roast than a toast, but Dad loved it and he actually suggested that I reprise it here.  With minor edits I give you...

 
George Johnson’s Guide to Millenary Celebrations (When Holidays, Births, Birthdays, Weddings and Anniversaries aren’t enough)

Your 1,000^th Second of Life!

Dads/partners – you’re going to have to be in charge of this one. It arrives 16 minutes and 40 seconds after your little one pops out, so a stop watch might come in handy. Consider inviting the doctor and nursing staff, since they are probably still in the room with you.

Our 1.000^th Second Together!

I highly recommend that you reserve this for AFTER your wedding.  Even if he or she is THE ONE, they’ll probably bolt if, on your first date, you lean over and murmur, “Do you realize we’ve been together for 1,000 seconds?”

So it’s more likely that you’ll be doing this at the wedding. Plan ahead because, after all, it occurs 16 minutes and 40 seconds after you say "I do." Still at the altar? In the limo? Standing in the receiving line? The possibilities aren’t endless.

Your 1.000^th Minute of Life!

Still at the hospital? Bring in the grandparents! Who cares if it’s 3:00 AM? This is important!

Our 1.000^th Minute Together!

Are you highly organized, and on a budget?  Consider having your wedding at 5:00AM.  You can squeeze the wedding, your 1,000^th Second, and 1,000^th Minute Celebrations all into one day.   Just one guest list!

Your 1.000^th Hour of Life!

Forty one days and sixteen hours! Kids who are about six weeks old love a party. So do their Moms! If you’re thinking ahead, tell your doctor that you’d like your child to be born at about 11:00 PM to have the timing work out.

Our 1.000^th Hour Together!

All those folks at your wedding probably aren’t going to want to come back for this one,  so it’s probably just you, your spouse, and a bottle of champagne - unless you are ahead of schedule on the child thing.

Your 1.000^th Day of Life!

Two years and nine months, give or take a day or two. Get out your calendar to be precise. Who doesn’t need something more to celebrate with a toddler around?

Our 1.000^th Day Together!

Statistically, most marriages make it well past this milestone, so don’t get carried away.   It falls between your “cotton” and “leather” anniversaries.  Give your spouse something made out of rawhide.

Your 1.000^th Week of Life!

If you can get your 19 year old to celebrate this, you either have a great relationship with them or they’re a complete dork.

Our 1.000^th Week Together!

If this is starting to get tedious, maybe you should rethink the whole thing.

Your 1.000^th Month of Life!

It’s time to recruit the kids to help out on this one. If their response is something like, “nobody celebrates that,” move ahead with your plans anyway.

Our 1.000^th Month Together!

If the two of you make it this far, you can throw one big, kick-ass party - no explanations necessary.

The 1.000^th Year of Our Family!

Tidy up those family trees folks. Most families will have to wait another 500 years or so if you’re trying to be accurate. In a hurry? Just make stuff up and celebrate now! Or….. make a 1000-year time capsule at your wedding.  Make sure to include a copy of this.

Happy Birthday Dad.   Love you,    Mark